unattainable dreams

Everyone has dreams of what they'd like to be when they grow old. A firefighter, a movie star, or a garbage man. If you say you didn't have any dreams or aspirations as a child while growing up, you are lying to yourself. Even if it was a flash-in-the-pan dream, you still had one.

My dream as a young child in Kindergarten was to be a garbage man. I have absolutely no idea why the sight of them coming down our street once a week to pick up our trash fascinated me, but it did. I was young, my mind immature. They had a weekly responsibility, and without them, trash would accumulate. Shit would hit the fan in a literal sense. No longer do I have that aspiration, as it died out around age 8 after realizing they get paid a meager wage to make ends meet.

I do still have one aspiration and dream that unfortunately I'll never be able to obtain. Sure, this may be a partial confession, but I'd always love to be in a band. Regardless how painful to the ear the band may be, I'd still love to be part of a music group. To play in a garage, or to rock out in front of tens of thousands in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and Nurburg, Germany. Music for people to nod their heads to, raise their hands, or start a mosh pit. Sure, many people think they sound great when they sing, but once it's played back reality gives them a hard slap to the face and they're put in check. Letting my fingers run along the frets of the guitar, some of the tones are pleasing to the ear. Sounds and chord combinations I haven't heard before, but seem to work well in harmony.

Even if it were to make one album with other musicians and to play one show in front of one or ten thousand people, that would fulfill my dream. Alas, it won't happen. I sit in my shared living room in Honduras with my guitar plugged into my laptop, Garage Band running with specific amplifier settings, headphones plugged in, the world deaf from my music.

Perhaps it's fate. Perhaps it's not meant to be.

I've started to settle into a morning routine that seems to be working. My alarm wakes me at 5:35 in the morning, and I slap my hand on my phone in desperate hope to press the snooze icon. Usually it works, and my slumber continues until 5:45 in the morning. I then wake, grab my $3 blue-and-white sandals and my towel, attempting to make my way to the shower. After spending 4 minutes washing myself and an additional 11 sitting under the stream of hot water pouring atop my head, I dry off, dress, and proceed to the kitchen.

Coffee. Hot, delicious coffee. I grab my coffee "cone" to put my ground beans into, and start boiling a pot of water. After the water is boiling, it's poured into the cone, allowing the hot water to pull flavors from the beans themselves into a measuring cup. Once I hit about two cups of brewed coffee, I pour it into my thermos "Hydro Flask" (thank you for this Christmas gift... you know who you are. It's amazing) with an ice cube so the coffee isn't too hot for school. I then get my laptop, put it into my bag, attach my watch to my wrist, proceeding to the doorway of the house.

No, I don't eat breakfast. In fact, I don't usually eat any meals until I get home from school around 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon. This lifestyle helps me avoid indulging and overeating.

On a side note, when people say "time heals all", they speak the truth. Time does heal all.

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everything happens for a reason

Months have passed since I've posted another blog entry. I've separated myself from typing my thoughts on a keyboard, but that has allowed my mind to mature and to settle in.

A long while ago I posted a blog entry regarding my hatred for Facebook. I revoke some of my hatred as of recent. Last night amongst friends I was able to reflect on my recent past, with the assistance of Facebook; scanning through my pictures, watching myself grow. In addition to the dose of melatonin I had taken, a dose of reality set in as well. I had a hard time believing I was here. Of all places, Honduras.

Some things didn't work out as planned. Relationships, friendships, and passions all have one thing in common: they come and go. I'm not upset though, as I'm a firm believer in fate. Everything happens for a reason, whether it's good or bad. That's fine though, as the book of life is being constantly written as each second passes. It's a beautiful book.

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a new friend about the ups and downs of Honduras. While it's not a paradise, the things I left behind in the United States were worth it. The new friends that I've made during my stay in Honduras triumphs over the trophs of this experience. We share laughs, stories, sorrow, and memories. I've never actually had a true roommate, as my only previous roommate up-and-left overnight and left me with a 2 bedroom apartment to myself, rent included. Now I'm living with five other roommates, and it's been a blast so far. Animosity is nowhere to be seen, and we seem to jive quite well.

About those trophs... I'm not going to lie. Honduras has its problems. The country is filthy, littered with trash everywhere you look. If a local doesn't know, they won't say "I don't know", rather, they'll lie. Living at a higher elevation near the Santa Barbara mountain, our days can change in an instant. At one moment, the weather will be hot and sunny. A few moments later, torrential rain and a chilly breeze. Healthy food is expensive, and can be hard to locate at times.

And the students.

They're a different generation. A different culture. As a grade school student in the United States, I sat in my seat, and outside of the occasional chat with a neighboring friend, would keep my mouth shut. The students here aren't the same. It's David versus Goliath when trying to keep the kids in their seats, let alone quiet. The respect the students have towards teachers is little, if at all. At the end of each day I feel defeated, wondering if I was able to make an impact on any of my students. Appreciation can be found in my 10th grade chemistry class, thankfully.

Last Friday, two of my chemistry students found me sitting next to the large tree in the commons area of the school, and sat next to me. One of them received a new MP3 player over the holidays, and was curious if I could share some of my music with her. I obliged, and transferred an arrangement of songs to it; some rock, some hip-hop, some instrumental, some jazz. While the music was transferring I was able to have a nice conversation about chemistry with them, apologizing how much of the content involves note-taking and studying. Our resources are extremely limited, so I'm not able to motivate them with interesting chemistry experiments. Anyways, I digress. She said there was no need to apologize as she was "learning a lot and is starting to find chemistry very interesting", in her words.

It's been three months, and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for it. Okay, maybe a trip to Norway or something, but the experience has been rewarding. Five more to go. Some would call this the home stretch, but it's a long one. There's still a few things to check off on my list, including more travel around the country (namely La Ceiba, Roatan, Copan, etc). Tegucigalpa and San Pedro Sula are alright, but they're not more than an average city, sans the crime. I've been finding incredible joy taking time to prepare meals and improve my cooking skill. Even cooking for others is joyful, as you get to see them react to the meal, good or bad.

Anyways, I should write more. Jot down my thoughts and experiences on a keyboard. It's relaxing, and I'm guessing it's also healthy for the mind.

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