coming to a close

Every month has a beginning and an end. Refusing to separate itself from the pack, September is no different.

It came and went. Today is September 30th, the final day of the month. Like signs along the road, I barely caught a glimpse of the month before it was too late. All I can do is reflect. It was a rough start with emotional turbulence and uncertainty, and it finishes the same.

In one month from now, I will be waking up under sheets in Pena Blanca, Honduras. Excitement and anticipation continues to course through me, as I will be seeing someone I cherish, and will also be taking a much-needed vacation. A seven day adventure, with five full days to go exploring, meet new people, and undertake new adventures. Part of me worries that I will not want to leave. Courtney has asked me to bring a few belongings for her, which I am slowly starting to accumulate.

 

Excuse my language, but I fucking hate Facebook. Why do I continue to use it? A significant majority of the content is recycled content from past years, or high school acquaintances

attempting to boast their social status, seeking validation from others. The only reason I can find to continue visiting is if close friends (around three or four of them) post pictures or important updates about their lives. Each time I click the Facebook tile on my homepage, a small inkling of my sanity evaporates. I feel disappointed in myself.

 

What can I do to make the next 4 weeks pass by quickly? I seek ideas.

 

A wasp struggles against the pane of glass in front of me. I feel as if I can relate. It wants to get outside, yet it can't have what it wants. It can see it, it yearns for it, and it's ever-so close. I can see what I want, but I can't have it.

Yet.

milestone

Three years ago, I started a journey. A journey that I wasn't particularly fond of starting, but it was one that needed to be set in motion. Plump, thick, morbidly obese. I was a 240 pound 5 feet 8 inches. Over the course of a year, I lost upwards of 80 pounds, then another 20 in the following year. Fairly stationary over the past year floating between 138 and 145 pounds, I was on a plateau. A plateau lacking motivation to break due to contempt.

I fondly remember of the Summers in High School with Khalid. We made a promise that each of us would have defined abs at the end of the summer. The Summer break between my Junior and Senior years was a letdown. I didn't achieve that goal, and it eats away at me to this day.

A new motivation struck in the past handful of weeks. With only thirty eight days until I visit Honduras, I cracked down. Ice cream as a delicacy of the past, and a fairly structured diet. Today for the first time since my one-hundred pound weight loss, a new milestone has been reached.

Definition. Seven years later.

They say that you can only be happy in a relationship if you were happy with yourself before committing to a relationship. You can't let someone else make you happy and "complete" you. While I agree with this, the way Courtney says that I give her motivation through my work ethic and drive simply completes me more. My ice cream sundae is delicious. Vanilla and chocolate fudge with whipped cream. She is the cherry on top. She just makes it that much better.

Six months ago, I was cited at work for poor performance. This week, I am leading the entire team by a large margin. A drive to succeed in hopes for time off during the holidays in late December to visit Honduras again, although for a longer duration. Two weeks I hope. Asking for two weeks off during the holidays is a near-impossible feat, yet I hope that my efforts at work to exceed expectations by a large margin will swoon management into rewarding me with the time off.

A vacation that I've earned.

Life is just getting started, and I'm loving every second of it.

distance

I didn't sleep a single second the night separating Monday and Tuesday. I was too excited. Two months until I visit became two weeks. Flipping through airfare search engines like a kid going through his Toys-R-Us catalog around the holidays, I scoured to find the best flight option. October 2nd was the date a plane would be taking me to Honduras. Too excited, blankets were wrapped around me in attempt to sleep, but all my mind was focused on was my mental checklist of things that needed to be done.

Perhaps the lack of sleep wasn't healthy. With not a minute of sleep under my belt, I went to the gym for a quick workout Tuesday morning, then headed home to get ready for a three hour drive. It was a bad decision, as I often found myself slipping between reality and dream-state, but caught myself and turned the volume knob on the radio one step louder. My voice hoarse from my embarrassingly bad vocal covers.

The next twenty hours would be spent at the Cabin. My father didn't arrive until around 3 o'clock, which was about two hours after I arrived. Most of the day was spent on the dock reading a book, ordering an item from Amazon, and again planning my trip. The next morning, I purchased a day's length fishing license, and set out to fish by myself while my dad slept soundly in the cabin. I've never beat him to the lake. Fog being moved above the water by the waking winds of the earth, the boat came upon two loons that didn't flinch. My eyes met theirs at a close distance, yet neither of us minded, and kept on our way. I caught the largest Bass fish in my lifetime, and found it oddly peaceful to be out on the water at such an early time even though it's been four years since my last fishing endeavor.

Is this what it feels like to get old? I don't mind it.

My trip in two weeks came to a crashing halt. A birdie hinted that it may be too early to visit. Part of me agrees, but another part misses her dearly. If not October, I would likely need to wait until late December if my manager allows me the time off. That's another three months away.

I've never done this. I never envisioned myself in a long distance relationship, and here we are. I am oddly at peace with it, but a part of me yearns to try and close the gap between us. I want to see her soon, but grow scared that the now-longer than anticipated time apart will work against us. Maybe it won't though. I was thinking of having a serious discussion with her to see about setting a firm date to visit, then allow me to work and get the time off. Once tickets are bought and time off is granted from work, I'd like to think that it would act as incentive to just try that much harder if things go sour to keep them together, knowing that we will see each other and if the flame dims, it will rekindle once we hold each other again. However, without that certainty of seeing each other, I fear that someone will let the flame dim without any hope. A reasonable fear, right?

I'm still all in. I'm going to give it my absolute best, not an ounce less. If I do give less, she deserves more. But I will give it my all.

Music: Lemon Jelly - Come

helping you maintain

Coffee. The time is 7:18pm.

Wait, what? I don't ever recall drinking coffee at a coffee shop this late in the evening before. Contrary to my usual routine, I am not at a coffee shop in Northeast Minneapolis, instead, a Dunn Bros near my apartment. I decided to walk somewhere today, as the only walking to be had so far was from the apartment to the car, and from the car to the store.

Thinking. Much of that has been had today. I follow the same routine day in and day out, since I work evenings. Wake up, drive to 945 Broadway Avenue, and grab a coffee. Sit, try and make friends with strangers, and get my daily activities out of the way: read the news, maintain my finances, gather energy, and attempts at social interaction. However, I'm usually the only one sitting by him or herself. All my other friends work during the day. My girlfriend is much closer to the equator.

After the coffee, I go to the gym. Today, I went hard. More weight than previous weeks with higher intensity. It was a good workout, and I felt my first "pump", where muscles feel engorged with blood since they've been worked so hard. I felt attractive. First time in a very, very long time.

Following the workout, I go home, and relax for a half hour to an hour. Then, work.

The same routine day in and day out. Is this adulthood? I don't like this cycle. Courtney and I were talking about the dislike in regards to punching a time-clock and/or working a desk job. Unsatisfactory, leaving the thirst for more in life. I yearn for more, not wanting to do this the rest of my life. Life isn't meant to be working for a company that doesn't give two shits about who you are as a person, as long as you're producing results. I envy her. Making a difference in other peoples lives, the people I help forget about me within the next 24 hours, even though they are now able to cherish the memories and pictures of loved ones during the holidays that I saved. Their business records and finances are now accessible, and they don't have to file bankruptcy. I'm the one that saves the American Dream, but much like a dream, is forgotten the next day. The thirst for more in life.

I did take time to learn Spanish through Duolingo today. It was exciting. I enjoy learning. Perhaps I'll have to put this Spanish to use come later this fall, as I do intend on traveling to Central America. That would shake up the normal routine.

I'm starting to dislike that word. Routine. Normality. Regimen.

Courtney and I talked about her trip to the coffee shop today. She bought two children some food for under $2. Yet here I sit, a $2.75 coffee in hand. She was able to help children live another day, whereas I am helping myself maintain sanity for a higher price. Sure, I could donate to a program, but what percentage of that $2.75 would end up in the hands of hungry children? I could buy them a cheeseburger and French fries, but that would set an unhealthy example. At times like this, I wish I could be a bigger influence in the world. Given a choice between helping two children stave off hunger another day, or grabbing a coffee, I wouldn't think twice about picking the former. Yet, I can't. It either ends up in the pockets of "charities" that only reinvest ~10% of the earnings towards the needy, or panhandlers on the exit ramps of freeways that drive away in Lexus sedans.

Given my thirty minute break and the time it takes to walk back to my apartment, my break has come to a close. Another four and a half hours until I'm done with work. I was able to escape for twenty minutes.

Back to the routine.

Music: Com Truise - Colorvision

uneasy

The time is 11:59pm. Another tick of the clock and the second weekend of September has come and gone.

Much to my surprise, it looks like someone may be reading this. I haven't been here at all this weekend, but I opened up my blog to see 27 views yesterday. Hello to you, mystery reader. Or a Google bot scanning my pages to add entries to its' search results.

Likely the latter.

This weekend was an interesting one, to say the least. It's a test on my relationship. Bobby and I had a wonderful time Friday evening. Many-a drinks were had. Being that I received a bonus on my paycheck, I had to stop the bartender from walking away in attempt to change my choice of "Rum and diet, please" to a "you know . . . let's make it a Captain and diet." Classy. We had one of the best conversations I've had in months. Intellectual, deep, and well-balanced.

My refrigerator six feet away making sounds not unlike a young calf yearning for its mother.

I was invited to attend Oktoberfest in Stillwater, Minnesota with some close friends. Arriving at Jake's apartment only to swiftly be on our way, I was the chauffeur. Steve forgot to take funds out of the ATM so we took a short detour to the nearest Super America on our trip to Stillwater. Asking if anyone wanted something, I chimed in with my request for M&Ms. Ten minutes later, my care-package arrived. They were stale, much like chocolate that has been sitting out for many months. Steve checked the "best by" date, to be welcomed with the current month and year: September 2014. I could not finish them.

We arrived to Stillwater at approximately 3:36pm to be greeted by Paul and his father. I haven't see Paul in quite a while, and we seem to connect well. I missed him. Over a large lager and breaded chicken breast, we shared stories of our recent lives. Changes, promotions, gloom, relationships, and the like. After I finished my meal but before our bill came, I noticed a notification on my phone from Courtney. Rushing out to my car to get away from the clamor, we enjoyed a 20 minute video chat. I miss her.

The tent was opening and many patrons were arriving. Beer, food, and laughs to be had all around. A chill was lingering as we were no longer affected by the urban heat island. As the sun set, the chill set in. It wasn't long before I couldn't feel my fingers. After our fair share of kettle-corn, cinnamon-roasted almonds, and beer it was time to head home. Not to worry, I had three beers in the span of seven hours, along with more kettle-corn than any normal man should be able to consume without seeking medical attention.

We went our separate ways for the next few hours. I didn't hear back from Courtney, against her saying her and Sam would talk to me later that evening in order to exploit my drunken stupor and pry information out of me. Perhaps that was a win for my dignity, but I feel situations like those bring out the fun in people.

Reconvening at Steve and Angie's apartment two hours later after an intense gym session, we walked to Uptown. A trek, at that. It was a twenty minute walk, maybe thirty. Cold. We shared more stories over "Russian-style" fries and more drinks. Russian roulette with a cap-gun and a shot was purchased by me. Eight rounds, 1 shot. Surely the first person wouldn't get shot right away, right? We spun the cap-gun on the table, only for it to land on me. I put the gun to my temple and pulled the trigger with force. Bang.

I took the shot.

Today was nothing of splendor. I woke up sore, wishing someone was next to me to ease my aching muscles and head. Work followed from two o'clock until ten o'clock. I was able to hear from Courtney again, only to be met with a boundaries discussion. I didn't enjoy it, but it was one that had to be debated. We worked as a team, voicing our opinions and feelings, and we came to a middle-ground, albeit perhaps a bit rough. I'd like to work this out with her again in the near future.

To my reader, if you're out there: I am not good at this. I don't know how to be a boyfriend, but I am trying my best. There isn't a manual or specially-tailored users guide to this endeavor. I ask myself how much influence should I have over someone I care about, if they're thousands of miles away? Surely they need affection, but I can only provide that through pixels and bits.

I am, and will always, try my best.

The time is now 12:19am. The weekend is gone. Worry sets in over this week, but I'm not sure why. This is a long post, perhaps because it was a long yet short weekend. Long, as in, many events and things to do. Short, as in, I can't believe it's already Monday.

One day closer to seeing her.

sound sleep

I had a hard time falling asleep yesterday. It took effort. My mind, racing, was unable to slow down. I was excited, and I wanted to tell the world. Actually, the world already knew.

The day started quite uneventful. Wake up, work out, work. A cycle without end in the near future. I'm oddly at peace with it though for now. Courtney and I had another Skype video call yesterday which lasted damn near all afternoon, but I'm not complaining. Joyful minutes passed. Her friend force-fed us the question "If you were at a bar and someone asked if you had a boyfriend, would you say yes or no?". Hesitation followed. We hadn't had that talk yet. Well, we have, but didn't come to any conclusions.

So we decided we should have the talk, and actually reach the finish line this time.

And now we come to the reason I was having troubles falling asleep. We made it quite clear that we wanted to take this to the next level, despite land and sea for miles separating us for the time being.

Everything feels right.

The cherry on top was forgetting that paychecks were sent out this week. I logged in to see how much I got shafted by taxes, only to see a fairly large number under the column "quarterly bonus". Whoa.

Not a single problem with the day. I rocked out at work and was able to resolve 14 separate sessions, or computers, taking me above the expectations. I started a new chapter in life with someone important. I received a large quarterly bonus. I played video games with friends.

I slept soundly once I was able to fall asleep, though. It was a good sleep, waking up with a giant smile on my face. Two days off in a row. No responsibilities, no appointments, no schedule. The only worry is that she will travel safely to her vacation destination this weekend, and have a great time. But that's all I can do; worry.

A text message was sent to Bobby, checking in to see if he wanted to reconnect over a beer this evening. To my surprise he said yes, so that's on the agenda today. Maybe I was lying; I do have a relaxed schedule for these next two days. However I do plan on visiting with my bundle of love Bowie at my parents house. Teach my father how to use Google Wallet so we can forgo writing checks for the cellphone bill payment.

Touching on the subject I forgot about a few days ago, I'd like to take some time and talk about pixels. They're all that separate us in the world today. Sorry, I'm guilty though. I play video games with friends, but that doesn't involve sitting next to each other with controllers in hand. Instead, it involves communicating over Skype, with the only interaction being vocal, and representing each other through pixels. Want to communicate with a friend? Text message in the form of pixels and bits of data. Hang out with someone? No, just "like" their status on Facebook. Hell, even my job involves absolutely no form of in-person social interaction, instead, we communicate through chat. Pixels.

Is this how life is supposed to be? Has human nature rapidly evolved from in-person social interaction to pixels? Courtney and I were talking yesterday about how technology is inevitable. But it makes me wonder if it's for better or worse.

Tonight, in-person social interaction. I'm going against the norm.

Music: David Bowie - The Stars Are Out Tonight

telegraph ave

I sit on my couch, rum and cola in hand.

Bacardi and Pepsi Max, to be exact. Something I'm not particularly proud of, but I'm saving my money for other endeavors.

I awoke this morning in a panic thinking I worked at noon, only to look at my phone and see that I was actually scheduled at four o'clock. Bliss.

Sleeping in. Something I haven't done in a while. It ate away like acid on skin. I enjoyed most of it, but my day was gone. I slept until noon. Video games ensued, then an attempt to the gym. I gathered my belongings and set on the road. Traffic. At the 35th Street intersection, I saw heavy traffic on Interstate 35, which turned my mind the other way. Turning the wheel home, I decided the gym wasn't on today's schedule. The time was three o'clock and I was hungry. Burger King on Nicollet Avenue called my name.

Mistakes.

I ordered a bacon cheeseburger and a medium french fry. The old Ian would go all-out: Double cheeseburger, large french fry, and maybe a second sandwich. I've changed. Food isn't a pleasure anymore, it's a necessity. I eat to live, not live to eat. The french fries tasted like chemicals. I ate half out of hunger. The burger, mediocre at best, was forced down.

Long for the days of childhood, I reminisced on when I'd order a "King-sized french fry" to enjoy the potato-ey goodness. I fucking loved those french fries. I remember the days of wrestling when, after I weighed in for the State Championship tournament in Rochester, MN, I'd ask my mother to drive us to Burger King to order french fries. Innocence.

Work came and went.

I'm disappointed I didn't go to the gym today.

Courtney left her Skype logged in on her phone. An enthusiastic message was sent, just to be received by an empty phone. She responded after a few hours, which absolutely made my evening. The highlight of my day is speaking to her. Pixels separate us, yet pixels keep us together. I've never felt this strong about someone before.

We conversed quite a bit. Sam and I had some good talk, as well. She hinted at I coming down there to visit quite strongly. The ticket has been sitting on my desk since May. Back in May, we didn't talk much. Previous blog entries may have hinted at this, though. I didn't believe we'd grow this close, and that I'd use the money on technology. Wrong. By ticket, I mean money. It's sitting there, accruing nothing by dust. Money is no qualm. I just need to know when the time is right. I want to visit, and I will. Money comes and goes. Feelings and...

I can't say it yet. The time isn't right. I haven't said it to her, but I will.

The ice has melted in my Rum and Cola. On reddit, someone was struggling with a break-up. I let them know that it does get better. Four years ago, I thought I found "the one". I was horribly mistaken. I went through the following months thinking I'd never find someone better. Thinking that I was trash, and a terrible person. Four years later, my thoughts have changed.

Four years later, I've found someone special. Met through pixels, and that's how we live now. I think this is the start of something special.

I hope it is.

Music: Childish Gambino - telegraph ave ("Oakland" by Lloyd)

six, not seven

I was asked the question: "What'd you do today?".

I had to think for a moment. The time was 9pm on Monday, September 8th. To a point, I didn't think the day actually existed. Work kept me until 1 in the morning, and sleep wasn't possible until around 3:30, when my body decided to call it quits. When I awoke around 10:30 in the morning, a mere 7 hours later work was next on my schedule, starting in only an hour and a half. I went for a jog around Lake Calhoun - a tough one at that. My body wasn't ready for exercise. In what only seemed like moments, work came and went like summer break in eighth grade - with haste.

My mind didn't fully comprehend that it was actually Monday. Not to sound repetitive, but it didn't actually feel like a full day. I slept in as late as possible, then woke up for work, exercised, conversed with someone, then went to bed. Exhaustion prevailed over my willingness to stay up late.

Sleep.

Or lack thereof. I have been tossing and turning every night in recent memory. Something doesn't feel right.

With work not arriving until 6 this evening, the day looks to be productive. A short trip to IKEA, where I was able to purchase some odds and ends for my kitchen. I installed a rack to hang my stirring spoons, spatulas, can opener, and other accessories from. It looks nice, adding character to an otherwise barren and ugly wall.

Target, deciding to assault my wallet once again, provided me with shelf liner. Eight dollars and forty-nine cents. However, I am extremely happy with the results. Storing kitchen utensils and china will no longer make excessive noise, and it makes the entire setup much more welcoming. Odd, I know.

Workers came to resurface parts of my ceiling, and like last time, left an absolute mess. Adhesive and caulk splattered through my bedroom and bathroom akin to a murder scene. Frustrated, I decided to do a half-cleaning of my entire apartment. All surfaces, rugs, carpets, and furniture cleaned.

Productivity.

I now sit at the same coffee shop in Northeast Minneapolis. I should open a credit card with this coffee shop to reap rewards or something, but I don't believe they offer one. They have a hard enough time keeping small bills in the register for change. My coffee is themed after the country El Salvador with hints of honey, rum, and something else. I forget. The caffeine hasn't taken effect yet.

Much has been accomplished already, and I would still like to get a good exercise session in, and hopefully a long bicycle ride if the skies don't break into rain. I am not hopeful. Gloom looks to take place for the next few days. A chill, with the possibility of frost on Saturday.

Winter is Coming. Or so the saying goes. I'll be stuck working inside my apartment, windows frosted, heat rising from the radiator, alone. Ones and zeroes. Bits of data are the sole form of communication between important people and myself.

Though, it makes me think. Is this how it should be?

I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, but I often ask myself if these things were supposed to happen in the first place.

blue and gold

Blue skies, gold rays. Pristine. It would be hard pressed to eclipse today's weather. A light breeze with few worries in the air.

Last night was an interesting one, to say the least. It began by meeting at Steve's apartment, and then nabbing a ride to Brit's Pub in downtown Minneapolis. After arriving, I observed their menu that stated they had sugar-free Redbull. Delighted, I ordered a vodka redbull. A mistake for my checking account.

$11.50.

We moved on to Barrio; a tequila bar with a welcoming atmosphere, yet still exhibiting class. A dark ambience lit by candles at each table. A sophisticated assortment of tequilas lining the bar, lit by a white light, almost as if they were holy. I ordered chips and salsa ahead of our tequila sampling; Steve a shredded beef taco. His never came. My chips were on the house.

Our tequila had hints of spice and chile pepper. A pineapple finish. Sweet, without the need for a chaser slice of orange. The waiter provided us with additional orange slices, dusted with cinnamon. They were reminiscent of apple pie filling, oddly enough.

One thing led to another and we ended up at Club Jager in the North Loop. I bought the round of drinks for all, and we had a fairly good time. Inside, I was battling emotions of nostalgia, as the last time I visited, someone important to me accompanied my side. Dancing wasn't the same.

The Minnesota Vikings started their regular season today and won in a dominating fashion. It makes the weeks pass by faster. That's all I have to say about that, really.

I'm going to keep this post short. Nobody really reads it anyways, but I guess it's a nice place for me to release my mind onto a visual medium. I'll wrap it up by saying I had an amazing conversation with an amazing person today.

~

melancholy waves

Drowsy. The only word to describe how I felt this morning when I woke. Much to my surprise, I awoke around 11am and mustered 8 hours of sleep. Perhaps it was the knock-off Nyquil I took last night. It may have been the guitar music I was jamming around 3am as well. My brain trying to stay as far away from the self-created music as possible.

I don't blame it.

Last night, original plans consisted of hitting the gym (again), but was then presented the opportunity to meet with friends, both new and old. Much to my surprise, someone I know through another group of friends was there last night as well. Chris was surprised to hear the name "Ian" before he saw it was actually me, and came to the conclusion that I'm the only "Ian" in Minneapolis. Apparently, when someone hears my name, it's me. Not Ian Jones. Ian Hunter. Ian Smith. I am the Ian in Minneapolis. Funny.

"$2 mystery bottles" were the theme of the night at Liquor Lyles. Ryan's persistent efforts to corral blonde women to our booth proved fruitless at times, but drew good chuckles from the table. My hands often met my face, in attempt to convey the message of "it wasn't me, it was him. I'm just here for the beers." Which I was.

I only had two beers. Earlier in the evening I had a glass of Balvenie "Doublewood" 12 year single malt scotch. Tasty. Sweet, smooth, and savory. Fondue au Fromage de Chevre was shared amongst my table guests. Delicious. A subtle evening, but one I enjoyed as deep conversations were had; laughs as well.

Apparently, playing guitar sounds much better after a beer or two. Around 2:30am I placed headphones around my head, turned on my amplifier, and pressed play on my phone. In only a few moments, I felt like the music I was playing sounded good. I was able to close my eyes and play along with the song without missing a note. Euphoric. I suspect I play with less fault because I'm more relaxed and less worried about missing a note.

Progress.

I now sit writing this at a coffee shop in Northeast Minneapolis. I'm sitting at a rather large table meant for 6 people. Five, including myself, currently occupy it. There's room for one more next to me. I grow used to the chair next to me being empty. I often wonder if someone will come fill the chair next to me, or choose to sit next to someone else instead. If the latter, I am always curious as to why they chose to sit next to someone else instead of me.

Was it the way I dressed? I'm wearing white shorts with a purple and grey striped t-shirt. Hideous wouldn't be an accurate description. Some effort was put into my outfit. Did I smell? Do I have "resting bitch face syndrome"?

Perhaps it was just a random choice. Usually is.

A couple with a small child sits at the table across from me. Apple Macbooks everywhere. Oddly enough, most patrons here seem to be productive: iMovie projects, photo editing, or writing. It's Saturday. The "work week" has leaked onto and stained the weekend.

My coffee turns lukewarm, only halfway finished. An "El Salvador" coffee; honey, graham, and hints of rum, I think. I should wrap this up and continue with my day. Cold coffee, unless iced, is no bueno. Soon I'll be on my way below the coffee shop to get in my daily workout. I've already bicycled 12 miles around the lakes near my apartment this morning, but that's not enough. Luckily, I was able to nab a bench at Lake Calhoun to rest. My "Game of Thrones" book was in the backpack I brought along, so I was able to sit in the sun and read a few chapters on the lakeshore for an hour or so. Quite relaxing.

I look forward to the evening.

Music: Gorillaz - On Melancholy Hill

reflections from choppy water

"That's an interesting assortment of items, today" he said.

The cashier at Target. An aging man with grey hair, receding from his forehead as if it was trying to find safety. Scared. However, his face gentle, kind, and welcoming. I chuckled and agreed, noting that I only buy items as I need them instead of stocking my shelves in preparation for the void of activities planned.

Only buying the items I need. Chips. I ate half the bag today. The Rockstar drink remains chilled in my refrigerator. The picture frames remain empty.

I was hesitant to buy the frames. They are for two pictures, but I question why I was hesitant. Was the $1.99 frame out of my budget? No. Am I scared to provide a permanent home for something that always holds the possibility of being temporary? Do I adorn the casualness of moving the photographs freely? There has to be a reason I was so hesitant to purchase silly picture frames, but I'm not sure why.

Last night was terrible. I tossed and turned, having nightmares throughout the evening. Waking up in a sweat. Heartbreak. Horror. I saw loved ones, new and old, vanishing before me. The dream is a bit obscure now as I write this hours later, but it was still an unpleasant one. I woke up at 6am, unable to fall back asleep. The day has dragged on.

During work, I decided to occupy myself with a hobby and attempted to play a new song on my guitar. "I won't see you tonight, Part 1". I've got most of it down, but the more I try to perfect it, the more I realize my time is wasted towards being something I can't. I won't be well-versed with a guitar. I can't. My hands are small. At best, I'll be able to play some power chords and settle with that. Sometimes I question why I try.

I wanted to spent another $2 for a cup of Honduran or El Salvadorian coffee at the coffee shop, but I was pressed for time. A mediocre workout took place below the coffee shop instead, and I spent 10 minutes at home to help with the garage sale. I didn't have time to reflect on the choppy waters; perhaps tomorrow.

The night grows on. Work is done, my phone and any forms of social outreach lay quiet throughout the day. I may explore a bar with my cousin to talk about things; life, love, liberty, leisure.

No home runs, no strikeouts. A measly base hit. Perhaps I'll try to steal second, and make up for lost ground.

Music: Dream Koala - We Can't Be Friends

Chamomile Tea with Honey

Chamomile tea with honey. I sit on my 1980's couch with hot tea on the coffee table. A fruit fly is buzzing around my ear, but why? I have no fruit sitting on my kitchen counter; a can of pineapple cut into chunks resides in the refrigerator, unopened.

The past nights have been cool. Does the warmth draw them in?

I've been looking for a time-sink. Maybe I'll start writing on this more often than once every five years. Something to jot down thoughts, inspirational ideas, or methods of saving the world.

Anyways, enough with the regular blog crap. Does anyone even write on blogs anymore? I thought vlogs on YouTube were the new thing. Oh well. The past week has been an interesting one. A week ago, I woke up vomiting uncontrollably, wondering whether or not I should visit the hospital since I was extremely dehydrated and couldn't walk straight, let alone think straight. Stubbornness prevailed and I lived to see another day. The weekend one was one in which I, surprisingly, remained sober. A short car trip brought me to Turtle Lake, Wisconsin, where I spent the weekend with friends, both old and new ones I had just met.

Being able to observe drunk human nature while sober is an interesting one. Men and woman alike are less hesitant to talk to each other. Unlike the real world, where men rarely speak to women, and you have better chances at getting struck by lightning than a woman speaking to a man first. It was fun people-watching, in all honesty. Human nature does a complete 180 turn when under the influence. Someone said they admired my beard, and my friends gave me shit for having a beard in the middle of Summer. They didn't get admired, though.

The trip had its drawbacks. Josh got me sick with a sharp cold, much like a severe storm compared to a hurricane. It was short, but extremely strong and vicious. Not a "hurricane" cold that lasted several days and slowly tore away at my sanity.

I cough. Take a sip of my tea which is still too hot to drink. Big mistake.

My phone is much quieter these days. Unlimited texting is not worth the cost anymore.

Today though, I went to a coffee shop and enjoyed a Honduran coffee in memory of someone important. It tasted sweet with hints of rum and berries. I did sit alone, listening to others chatter with their friends, colleagues, loved ones, significant others. Reading articles on how to become a better version of "me". Me 2.0, I guess you could say. It was relaxing in a way, taking in the sonder.

My father asked me to come help him move things out of my parents house for a garage sale. A bit of a nostalgic hit, seeing all my childhood items go to others for pennies. I hope they find a good home and make someone else happy the way they did for me.

Then work came, where I work the IT version of a graveyard shift: 4pm-12 midnight. It has its ups and downs. Outside of the usual work responsibilities, the time allows me certain privileges. I get to chat with people that mean the world to me, yet I do not get to see them. I get to relate with them, yet I do not get to be with them. I get to understand them, yet I cannot understand them.

But I try. It's all I can do. I can try to relate, listen, understand, help, and be there, without being there. It's a difficult task, but that's the curveball that life throws. It's the bottom of the 9th and there are 2 outs in the inning. One wrong swing and it's all over. One right swing, and I've hit it out of the park.

Don't strike out.

Music: Japanese Wallpaper - Breathe In (ft. Wafia)